Gain 2 Lose
Sam Geballe, Cut (Self-Portrait), 2014; Courtesy of the Artist
BY CAROLINE JOHNSON
It was 2014 when photographer Sam Geballe’s life became dramatically different. Sam, who identifies with they/them pronouns, underwent gastric bypass surgery that year, consequently transforming much more than their physical appearance. Through the ongoing series Self-Untitled: 2013-present, Geballe does not only document the changes, but uses them as a way to therapeutically process the disconnect between their past and present views of their body. Geballe explained that “…self-portraiture is a way I process life. It is a practice of self-acceptance; a daily conversation and reminder that I deserve to take up space.” Viewers are invited into the intimate rekindling of Geballe's relationship between their body and mind, battling the depersonalization and fear that accompanies such life altering events. Through this series of courageous and intimately raw images, Geballe allows viewers to see into the processing of their transformation.
Sam Geballe, Side (Self-Portrait), 2014; Courtesy of the Artist
Artist Willem De Kooning famously said “Content is a Glimpse”, an adage that perfectly describes Geballe’s work. The images presented to the viewer are nothing more than a glimpse into the physical and psychological control through each day of the ongoing journey. We are able to track the visible progress but are not able to experience so much of the journey. Geballe’s image Sinking conceptually displays the extreme weight loss they endured and the accompanying feelings to this experience. The idea of depersonalization, feeling as though one does not belong to themselves, is a terrifying feeling. A feeling similar to sinking, this image speaks to the idea that the weight loss was much more than a physical change for Geballe. Before the surgery, Geballe experienced an overwhelming fear that in any moment they could “lose control, lose [their] breath and lose [their] life”, a fear especially highlighted in Breathe. The blurred lines create a very disorienting scene, speaking to that fear and loss of control. Post-surgery the fear persisted, but soon turned into overwhelming feelings of disconnection and depersonalization.
Sam Geballe, Window (Self-Portrait), 2014. Courtesy of the Artist
Through the progression of the images Side, Look at Me, and Untitled Cottage, the bodily changes are drastic, but the figure’s face does not change. The same expression is present in each of the images, speaking to the fact that while there was dramatic weight loss, there was still so much toil and mental difficulty in dealing with the emotional ramifications of these changes. While Geballe was gaining control of their body, the uncontrollable mental and emotional effects did not disappear. The question of identity and processing the past with the present seem to culminate in the image Black & White where Geballe, in a selfie-like angle, becomes nearly unrecognizable to the viewer. Abstraction employed through shadow and perspective makes the identity of the figure nearly impossible to decipher. This image courageously displays feelings of disconnection and questioning of Geballe’s new identity.
Sam Geballe, Untitled Cottage (Self-Portrait), 2016. Courtesy of the Artist
The fear of losing control is ever-present in Geballe’s art. Whether the control be over their physical or mental image of their body, the control is yearned for yet never achieved. The contentment that slowly has come with Geballe’s reconnection with themself allows them to boldly share these images and continue to make them. Sam’s journey is not over, but through Self-Untitled they are choosing to healthily process this lack of control through beauty rather than let the fear and unknown of their future take over the beautiful journey they have and continue to experience.
FIN
Sam Geballe, Black & White (Self-Portrait), 2014. Courtesy of the Artist
Sam Geballe, Sinking (Self-Portrait), 2020. Courtesy of the Artist
Sam Geballe, Suit (Self-Portrait), 2020. Courtesy of the Artist
