Facebook/Instagram Down, No Bragging Pics of Avocado Toast
By Ashley Yu
In another instance of why Facebook should just crawl into the same grave as MySpace, millions of people across the world had trouble accessing Facebook and its sister companies, including Instagram and Whatsapp. The crying intern that runs Facebook’s Twitter account has claimed that they “can confirm the issue is not related to a DDoS (Distributed Denial of Service) attack.” But that’s exactly what a company suffering from a cyberattack would say. Is it the Russians this time? Or maybe it’s the Chinese.
Who the hell cares--that one basic white girl from your high school can’t upload a mirror selfie of her in Lululemon yoga pants! My mother has been denied her rights to receive her daily intake of cat videos. I mean, what else can we do with our thumbs--those little limbs that have evolved to distinguish us humans from other mammals--if they’re not scrolling down our feed on our phones?
I hear it now: the faint roar of people claiming that this is a good time for a social media detox. To be honest, I don’t think it’s worth going on a “cleanse” if you can’t brag about it online. To those who work in social media marketing, just go home. Paint your nails. Call your grandfather. Paint animals on the wall of a cave. Do the things that normal human beings used to do before the era of the Internet.
In the meantime, there’s not a lot of things you can do about hackers stealing your credit card information or your social security number. If you’re just a regular college kid with a bank account drained by student loans, don’t sweat a thing; you don’t have enough money for hackers to care in the first place. Sit back and let the Pentagon or the NSA deal with that type of stuff. They’ve already seen your drunk Amazon shopping history anyway. At least the FBI agent peering at you, day in and day out, through the selfie camera on your phone and laptop can take a sweet coffee break. Go on, Special Agent Fred, you deserve it.