Issue No. 28 – Control

What is the nature of control? The desire for it—and to be free of it—are essential parts of both life and art.

Photo Journal Monday: Argus Paul Estabrook

Photo Journal Monday: Argus Paul Estabrook

“Sometimes I feel like I am in a bad dream.” © Argus Paul Estabrook

“Sometimes I feel like I am in a bad dream.” © Argus Paul Estabrook

The phone rang. I remember thinking something was already wrong. Because of our time difference, Mom never called me in the evenings unless there was an emergency. In a desperate tone, she told me that my father had suddenly been hospitalized.

It was pancreatic cancer. Growing undiagnosed it had already entered Stage 4 and was considered extremely aggressive. With a heavy heart, I quit my job in Seoul and 36 hours later found myself on a flight bound home to America. 

"Everything is aimless and hopeless. I have lost my direction and I don’t know where to go." © Argus Paul Estabrook

"Everything is aimless and hopeless. I have lost my direction and I don’t know where to go." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“He accepted he was dying and often asked me to read the bible to him. He never did before." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“He accepted he was dying and often asked me to read the bible to him. He never did before." © Argus Paul Estabrook

I was shocked and confused to see him in this unexpected weakened state. Trying to make sense of the situation, I immediately began making a record. The need to preserve his remaining life was overwhelming and became my way of resisting the inevitable. Each click felt like I could stop time, no matter how painful, if only for a moment. As he recounted memories and regrets, it also granted me a deepened emotional space to bond with my father. Similarly, photography helped me see the day to day struggles of my mother. Her anguish equaled his own, their hearts and minds tied together. After his passing, a sense of hopelessness took hold of her, making it difficult to speak her feelings. Seeking a way to facilitate delicate but necessary conversations, I showed her my images and listened to her words. Writing them down as we looked over the photographs began a journey of reflection for both of us. 

The resulting document is one of vision and voice. Bound together through a personal process of grief, I hope they’ve created an emotional map, one that reveals our connectedness to each other while also furthering an understanding for all those navigating the loss of a loved one. 

“I didn't want to hear his life was going to end soon." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“I didn't want to hear his life was going to end soon." © Argus Paul Estabrook

"I was so relieved when the reverend came. Together we prayed for comfort and forgiveness." © Argus Paul Estabrook

"I was so relieved when the reverend came. Together we prayed for comfort and forgiveness." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“He only made it 3 weeks. It was hard to accept that he had died that fast." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“He only made it 3 weeks. It was hard to accept that he had died that fast." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“I thought God was telling me that everything was going to be okay." © Argus Paul Estabrook

“I thought God was telling me that everything was going to be okay." © Argus Paul Estabrook

"I want a way out of my emptiness.” © Argus Paul Estabrook

"I want a way out of my emptiness.” © Argus Paul Estabrook

“I think I’ll feel this way for a long time.” © Argus Paul Estabrook

“I think I’ll feel this way for a long time.” © Argus Paul Estabrook

To find out more about Argus Paul Estabrook’s work please click here.

Art Out: 1-54 Contemporary African Art Fair

Art Out: 1-54 Contemporary African Art Fair

Art Out: Moniker Art Fair

Art Out: Moniker Art Fair