Cheeky Shag: Huevos Rancheros and Extraterrestrial Encounters
By Michael Kaczmarczyk
I was walkin’ on the side of the road, right down near I-37. I liked walkin’ or sittin’ or thinkin’ but I rarely did any of those things at the same time. Right now I was walkin’…just walkin’ and singin’ a little tune. I like singin’ little tunes when I walk or sometimes when I sit, but the tune has nowhere to go when I sit, so I prefer to walk when I’m singin’ tunes. Sometimes when I’m just standin’ I just can’t help it so I start tappin’ my foot or bobbing my head, and things sorta just make sense, or at least seem natural.
However, the day I was walkin’ on the side of the road, right down near I-37, things weren’t so natural, and I guess I knew it right from the start, ‘cause when the black limo pulled up beside me, I stopped singin’ my little tune.
The window rolled down, and I got real scared. I didn’t know why, but things just seemed off. The air got real thick, and I sorta started to see spots.
There was a woman driving the limo, and she smiled at me. She didn’t show her teeth when she smiled, so I could tell it wasn’t genuine. Genuine people don’t mind showing their teeth when they smile. I didn’t mind so much though, cause she was real pretty, and I was a little distracted by the spots and the thick air and what not, so I sorta just opened the door and got in.
I don’t know why, I just did.
We started driving, and after a few moments she spoke.
“Why didn’t you get in the back seat?”
Her voice sounded like vanilla cola and it made me feel nice.
“Not sure. I suppose I just didn’t want to be alone.”
She smiled at that and It sort of relaxed me a little.
“So where we going, Miss?”
She looked at me for a moment, and then leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I thought on this for a minute but before I could respond, I started to feel tired. I dosed off and everything went real quiet.
When I woke up, the car was flying, and we were very high above Texas. Everything seemed so far away. I looked over at the woman that was driving, but before I could say anything, her cool voice intervened.
“Take your clothes off.”
I pretended not to hear her and nervously began humming my tune, as if it would all end, but the tune I hummed wasn’t so good, cause it was choppy and awkward and forced, and not natural at all. I went silent for a few moments, and then I looked at her again,
“Take your clothes off.”
At this point the car was very high above the ground. I could begin to see the curvature of the Earth, and I could feel my clothes begin to stick to my body, cause I was real sweaty, cause I was real nervous.
Once I was naked, she leaned over and kissed me. It was a dark kiss. It tasted nice, but it wasn’t a love kiss or a passionate kiss, it was a cold and forceful.
I began to feel sleepy again. I didn’t know where I was going, or what was going to happen, but as I began to dose, I felt a cold hand begin to grope my body.
I suddenly felt very good, and I closed my eyes and began to remember things. I remembered playing baseball with my friends, and kissing a girl for the first time.
As the car sped into the oblivion, I remembered having Huevos Rancheros with my father in a little diner in South Texas on a road right down near I-37.
Article © Michael Kaczmarczyk
Photograph © Stefan Jennings Batista